Gender equality - a fantastical fairy tale

According to the magic mirror, Snow White was the fairest by far. 

But that's not fair! And so the beautiful but vain stepmother set about fixing the problem.

We detest inequality in general, but we can easily confuse this with detest of those specifically, who have more than me.  We battle inequality, but we overlook what we have, and also what others have not.

That "Harry Potter girl" Emma Watson, charmed us with her reminder of the dimensions of inequality that we fail to consider. And the appearance afterward of trolls and witch-hunts simply underlined her point.

In missing the inequalities, we miss the solutions too. Annabel Crabb observes that career women are frequently asked about how they manage their family lives while men never are. Her solution is simple: "I don't think the answer is to stop asking women. The answer is to start asking men."

Asking both working women and men about how they manage their home life highlights that someone must manage it, hence the title of Crabb's new book: The Wife Drought.

Unpaid domestic labour is not generally counted in measures of economic activity but is estimated to be equivalent to up to half of Gross Domestic Product.

Who does the work at home? Women do. At a rate almost two times that of men and even greater if they have children. This is true even in fairytales. The seven dwarfs agreed to protect Snow White in return for unpaid household labour.

Both types of work have to be done. Men do about two-thirds of the paid work, women about two-thirds of the unpaid household work.

Men are generally expected to provide and do so, even at a personal cost which often becomes apparent only at their deathbed. Working too hard is one of the top regrets of the dying says Bronnie Ware, and particularly among men.

Statistics show that men have higher rates of pay than women with one notable exception. The fairer sex makes a good deal more than men in fashion modelling.

Statistics also show that men have higher rates of being victims of violence, assault, work-related injuries, suicide and earlier death.

As Sam de Brito quips, "I'm surely not the only man who'd be happy to swap my 8 per cent for an extra five years of life, more time with my kid and the guarantee I'll not be found swinging from a beam when I turn 55."

Just as a corporate women must explain how she manages her home, stay-at-home fathers must explain why he is neglecting his career. Fathers stepping up to help in the family are questioned, literally and figuratively. We do not seem to like men being around children as reflected in the following:

• Male child carers are bound by special rules
• Tracey Spicer provides public support to airline policy ensuring men are not seated next to unaccompanied minors
• Lenore Skenazy documents multiple other examples in an article entitled “Eek, a male!”

Charles Areni and I in our book The Other Glass Ceiling provide other instances of man-fear: a dad shopping for his daughter's undies is deemed a security risk; a single father searching for an au pair is suspicious.

We don't even realise we're treating others unequally. Consider the following scenario:

"Chris is a single parent of two and the director of marketing for an electronics firm. Scheduled to present the key quarterly sales report to the Board, Chris arrives 15 minutes late after dropping the children at school and day care. In addition to dishevelled hair, there is a noticeable stain on Chris’ suit, the result of the young girl vomiting at the end of her car trip after a hurried breakfast."

Our research shows that 95% of people think that Chris is a woman. But Chris' gender was not stated. We often fail to see our own unequal treatment of others.

Striving to reduce inequality is important, but equality is a myth. Men and women are not born equal and even the most earnest efforts cannot rectify all the inequalities as Monty Python explain to Loretta.

And some efforts to reduce inequality create more damage than good. According to relationship expert John Gottman, when communication is reduced to criticisms and contempt, the relationship is in trouble.

The gender-war is not helpful. In tackling one inequality, we may create another. In the original Snow White, the evil stepmother is forced to put on burning hot boots at Snow White's wedding and dance until she dies.

The moral of this tale is that equality is not even true in fairy tales. Our goal is to reduce inequality, to exchange inequalities.

Ask both women and men, "How are you managing your home life?" Encourage fathers to step up and mothers to let go.

Now just share your toys nicely, and we'll all live happily ever after.

Au pair wanted by single dad

A single-dad looking for an au pair - is it just some kind of joke?  Even a rather sick joke perhaps?

But where’s the joke? Is the automatic snicker to a single-dad's desire for an au pair a little like what confronted women 100 years ago when they declared their desire to engage in society with the same freedom as men:  to vote, work, play sports, etc?

I have a lot of time for single parents, partly because I know that they have so little time for themselves!  And  because I am a single parent myself.  Or at least, a half-time single-parent.

Since my son was one, he has been raised by his Mum in her home and by me in my home.

Now, I know that my son’s mother found it tough being a single parent.  Me too. 

She showed the good sense to ask for help, and in particular, she applied to an agency for an au pair.

She got an au pair in no time flat.  And when one would finish up and head back home or wherever, my son’s mother had little trouble finding a replacement.

My son liked the au pairs at his Mum's house.  He talked to me about each one and the fun they had during the au pair's stay. 

I’m guessing it made my son’s mother’s life much easier too.

I naturally thought ‘What a great idea’, and I applied for one too.

To the agency’s credit, they did not laugh when I submitted my application. 

On the other hand, they did not do anything else either.

I was not offered an au pair.  I was on the books for some years.  During that time, my son’s mother had a number of au pairs.

I was left perplexed – and acutely aware of the burden of operating as a single-parent without any household help. 

Occasionally I would call up the agency to remind them that I was still looking.  On one such occasion, they admitted that they were still looking too.

The difficulty it appears, was that of placing an au pair with a single father.  I heard phrases like “young women”, “living with a single man”, “concerned families back in Europe”.

Ah, I see.

I gave up and realised that I would just have to sail solo, even though single parenting is no kind of plain sailing.

Then one day, out of the blue, the agency called me: “We have an au pair that we think might be of interest to you.  Can we send you the details.”

“Sure!”

The au pair looked very impressive with lots of experience caring for nephews and nieces (the sister’s children), good references (from the sister and others), good English, late 20s (which I thought to be a good thing) and so forth.

Oh, and one particularly interesting point, the au pair applicant was male!

Having gotten cranky about the double-standard of the placement of au pairs with single mothers, but not single fathers, I was now confronted by my own biases.

Would I accept a male au pair?  What if he was some kind of weirdo?  What male chooses to be an au pair?  Out came my biases!

Why do we fear men so much?  Yes, me included!

Well, from a psychological point of view, it has to do with something called the ‘availability bias’.  We can think of instances of men having been convicted for child abuse much more easily than women.

Is the fear justified?  Not really.  The media run stories that are interesting.  A mother neglecting a child is not nearly as interesting a story as a complete stranger abducting a child.

Couple of reality checks.  First, child abuse of any form is rare, very rare.  Second, the most likely offenders are people known to the child, particularly mothers as it happens but that may simply reflect the amount of time they spend with the children.

So the horror stories of children abducted by strangers and abused are far more memorable than the more numerous and less media-worthy cases of children neglected or abused by their own parents. 

Just like how we are far more fearful of a shark attack than we are of drowning even though the latter is statistically many times more probable than the former.

So, I am looking at a young German man’s application to be an au pair.

I took him on.  I overcame my gut reaction and realised it was the same one that leads to squirliness in our society about men around children in general.  The prejudices that lead to so many stories of men being challenged when looking for undies for their daughter, or watching their children / grand-children in parks, or sitting next to unaccompanied minors on airplanes, or looking for an au pair.

Our German au pair was a great success.  He was with us for one year.  My son thoroughly enjoyed the time the au pair spent with us.  And I really appreciated his help with my son and around the home.

Maybe this experience will help my son will grow up with different views (read: less biases) about men than our generation?  I hope so.

Man Guilt

There is a guilt that comes with being a man.  Not only do women have a tougher time than me, but I get a strong impression that I’m a member of the gender that is blame for her hardships.

In fairness though, I didn’t ask for it.  It was my parents’ fault.  Actually, it was my Dad's fault.  He gave me his ‘Y’ chromosome rather than his ‘X’ chromosome.

You see! Men are the ones to blame - again.  Women get it tough, and it’s the man’s fault.

Hence, I have this guilt about being luckier than 50% of the Australian population because I am male.  Well actually, that would be guilt about being among the minority gender because there are more women than men!  And the preponderance of women to men grows with age.

Why are there more women than men?

Because women tend to live longer.  About 5 years on average in Australia, but the result is observed widely in the world (see figure).

And so men are the lucky ones again - men get to choose from more potential partners than do women.

Hang on though.  If women are living longer on average than men, does that not count as being luckier than men?

If I was given the choice of living five more years or getting more choice of partners, I think I would go for the five extra years thank you very much.

In fact, I'd choose five more years of life over more chance of a boardroom seat which are typically occupied by men rather than women.

Hey, maybe the boardroom is the problem?  Maybe while members of the board might be winners in the money and social status stakes, they lose out on the life stakes. 

Seems dubious given that most men - just like most women - never make it to the boardroom.  That is, what happens in the distant stratosphere of the corporate world is unlikely to explain what is happening at the population level.

However, it certainly is true that where you work can kill you.  Every year, a number of people die while working.  

But get this, those unfortunates who die working, 95% of them are men!  This result is true of most nations, not just Australia.

Maybe men make poor work choices.  I mean, it is their choice to work in dangerous professions, right? 

But wait, if men make choices to work in dangerous professions, and women want the right to make the same choices as men, why are they not lining up to take up a 50% share of the jobs that are downright dangerous? 

I obviously do not want anyone to die, but if there have to be jobs that lead to deaths, should we not have equal representation in those jobs so that women share an equal burden with men?

Hmm, maybe it’s not so clear cut.  I live a shorter life than she does, and I get a higher chance of dying on the job than she does.

However, as a man, I may have a better chance of gaining a coveted seat in the boardroom.  A rather miniscule better chance it must be admitted as those boardroom seats are downright scarce altogether.

In review then, the picture is unclear.  I am doubtful about whether I am luckier than women in an overall sense.  I am pretty sure I am not to blame.  But I am certain that I have more guilt about my gender than she does!

The double-standard of equal rights

John Stuart Mill, a noted supporter of equal rights, was elected to Parliament in 1865. His early efforts to campaign for female suffrage were soundly defeated by an all-male, Conservative government. In 1879, Richard Pankhurst authored and launched the 'Women's disabilities removals bill' seeking the vote for women.

In this same year, Richard married Emmeline Pankhurst who became one of the most famous of the infamous suffragettes. While Richard Pankhurst died in 1898, Emmeline continued in the campaign – often militantly – for voting rights for women.

In 1914, she 'suspended' her fight for women's right to vote and turned her energetic attentions and those of other suffragettes to promoting conscription. In an effort to ensure the enlistment of all eligible men, Pankhurst and her supporters distributed white feathers, an unequivocal symbol of cowardice at the time, to men in civilian clothes. In the film 'The Four Feathers', Harry Faversham, played by Heath Ledger, receives feathers from three colleagues plus another from his fiancée for his apparent cowardice.

Yes, Emmeline fought hard for women's rights to be equal to those of men in voting. And then applied the same vigor to bullying and shaming men into going to war in the defense of she and her fair sisters. As Rudyard Kipling says in his poem, Tommy,

It's Tommy this and Tommy that
and chuck him out the brute
But its saviour of his country
when the guns begin to shoot

The war ended in 1918, and while many women wept for men not returning from the war, some women returned to their efforts for universal franchise. In 1918, headway was made in gaining some voting rights for women with property.

It was not until 2 July 1928 that women in the UK gained voting rights equal to men.

Emmeline Pankhurst missed the event having died just three weeks earlier.