Women defending fatherhood

Surely fatherhood matters.

If Nature had intended that parenting be done by just one parent, why did it create two?

And why is the human species so reliant on two devoted parents?

Mostly, modern society seems to act and apparently believe that fatherhood does not matter.

The clearest demonstration of this is that in most family disputes, the father is seen to be dispensable.

The second demonstration is that the excluded fathers' complaints are like screams in space. Unheard.

Do things change when a woman speaks in defence of fatherhood?
Anna Machin is an evolutionary anthropologist, writer and broadcaster whose work argues for the importance of human dads.

Marilyn York is a mother of four children (from two different mothers and three different fathers) and family law specialist whose TED talk makes the case for the importance of fatherhood.

Thank the starry, starry skies for the women defending fatherhood: "Perhaps they'll listen now" (Don McLean).

The many hues of fatherhood: physical, emotional and legal

At some levels, becoming a father is one of the easiest things that a man can do: a happy ending that leads to a new beginning.

Bottom line, no baby can be born without a male having contributed his gametes to the process.

But surely that is far short of what might be considered reasonable to justify calling a man a father.

His DNA may be necessary, but that is much less than half the story.

In times past - and sadly still - men have been rightly criticised for simply not being there for their children.

Sure, modern lives and men in the workplace for long hours can keep him away from his kids. But sometimes this is just an excuse - as is the need to be away socialising with his mates.

In this instance, he needs to step it up to earn the moniker of Dad.

On the other hand, nature can play a bit of a prank on the man as paternity is far less evident than maternity.

Now of course, there may not be many cases where a woman cuckolds the man - be it knowingly or unknowingly - but it can happen.

Paternal discrepancy is when the man who most think of as the father is not. It happens at a rate of about 4% in case you're wondering. That is, one in 25 kids are fathered by someone other than the person they believe to be their father.

So we probably should allow that in some dark recess of the father's head, there may be a little question about whether he really is the father.

But that doesn't let him off the hook. The second half of fathering is being there for the child(ren).

So, does DNA testing solve the problem? Not really. It simply reveals the many different hues of fathering.

Just as a man may provide his sperm but not his commitment, so another man may provide his commitment and not his DNA.

To reflect the independence of the physical and emotional dimensions, here are various versions of Dad that I personally know.

• A woman who referred to her mostly absent father as her "bio-dad" to distinguish him from the man who her mother married and who was the man she identified as Dad.

• A man who raises two boys. The teenager is not his biological son, and does not know his bio-dad at all. The second, an infant, is his biological son. The man - now separated from the one mother of the two boys - remains Dad to both. 

• A man who fathered and raised a child with the mother until she left him to join another man. She decided that the new man would be Dad. The bio-dad is denied a father title and is known to his daughter by his first name.

• A man and a woman who produced two children, who now are separated and each repartnered. The children spend their time in two different households with a mum and dad in one and another mum and dad in another.

So, there are at least two entirely detached dimensions to fathering. One is physical, the other is emotional.

It is perhaps understandable then, that the legal version of what constitutes a father is not always very clear cut.

An article in the New York Times highlights the court's difficulties as it negotiates the economic and emotional consequences when a man finds he is not the biological father.

There are consequences of revealing the biological father as debated in the issue of enforced DNA testing. It could reveal a mother's mistake or indiscretion, it could deprive a child of a father-like figure (even if not the biological father) and it could shatter the putative father's world.

However, given the importance of the father's emotional involvement, the legal system must also allow for the importance of young children to spend time with the father post-separation.

The fathering role is critical - both the physical and the emotional versions.

So what's a father to do? Probably just the same as he has done for millennia: the best he can given the circumstances.

Fighting for fatherhood: The other glass ceiling

What are the invisible challenges facing fathers?

Our book, The Other Glass Ceiling is available, right here, right now. The e-book is available through Google Play.

Meanwhile, just to remind all of us about the currency of the ideas that we share in our book, Aaron Dickson's daddy-daughter-date video (which he created for Father's Day in the US) went viral on the same day we launched the book.

Here's that story and my response at The Conversation:

Fatherhood Priorities Quiz

Do you have the right priorities as a dad? Take the following quiz and find out.

Multiple Choice

(1)   Consider the last few Saturday afternoons. Did you spend them...

(a)      …at work (1 mark)

(b)      …at the pub with your mates? (-4 marks)

(c)      …actively engaged in a sport or hobby alone or with your mates? (1 mark)

(d)     …at home with your kids? (1 mark)

(e)      …actively engaged in a sport or hobby with your kids? (4 marks)

(2)   When you first come home from work at night do you...

(a)    …grab a beer from the fridge, sit on the sofa, and flick on the TV? (0 marks)

(b)   …continue working on the report for the meeting tomorrow morning? (1 mark)

(c)    …talk with your kids about their day and yours? (2 marks)

(d)   …help your kids with their homework? (2 marks)

(e)    (c) and (d) above (4 marks)

(3)   If your child has a sporting match at 9 am on a Saturday morning, do you...

(a)      …go to work (1 mark)

(b)      …sleep in and let the missus take them? (-2 marks)

(c)      …go to the match with your missus? (1 mark)

(d)     …go to the match and let your missus sleep in? (2 marks)

(e)      … go to the match an hour early because you’re the coach? (4 marks)

Short Answer

(4)   What are the names of your children’s school teachers? (2 points per child)

(5)   What shoe size do each of your children wear? (2 points per child)

(6)   What are the names of your children’s best friends? (1 point per friend)

(7)   What is the name of your family GP? (2 points)

Interpreting your score:

20 +: Congratulations! You’ll go to your deathbed knowing that you’ve lived a life well spent raising your children to be happy, healthy, successful adults.

11-19: You probably live a balanced life, where your career and your role as a father mean a lot to you. 

 5-10: Plenty of room for improvement. There’s still time to get your priorities in order.

 0-1:  You’re going to be the guy on his deathbed questioning his priorities.