Au pair wanted by single dad

A single-dad looking for an au pair - is it just some kind of joke?  Even a rather sick joke perhaps?

But where’s the joke? Is the automatic snicker to a single-dad's desire for an au pair a little like what confronted women 100 years ago when they declared their desire to engage in society with the same freedom as men:  to vote, work, play sports, etc?

I have a lot of time for single parents, partly because I know that they have so little time for themselves!  And  because I am a single parent myself.  Or at least, a half-time single-parent.

Since my son was one, he has been raised by his Mum in her home and by me in my home.

Now, I know that my son’s mother found it tough being a single parent.  Me too. 

She showed the good sense to ask for help, and in particular, she applied to an agency for an au pair.

She got an au pair in no time flat.  And when one would finish up and head back home or wherever, my son’s mother had little trouble finding a replacement.

My son liked the au pairs at his Mum's house.  He talked to me about each one and the fun they had during the au pair's stay. 

I’m guessing it made my son’s mother’s life much easier too.

I naturally thought ‘What a great idea’, and I applied for one too.

To the agency’s credit, they did not laugh when I submitted my application. 

On the other hand, they did not do anything else either.

I was not offered an au pair.  I was on the books for some years.  During that time, my son’s mother had a number of au pairs.

I was left perplexed – and acutely aware of the burden of operating as a single-parent without any household help. 

Occasionally I would call up the agency to remind them that I was still looking.  On one such occasion, they admitted that they were still looking too.

The difficulty it appears, was that of placing an au pair with a single father.  I heard phrases like “young women”, “living with a single man”, “concerned families back in Europe”.

Ah, I see.

I gave up and realised that I would just have to sail solo, even though single parenting is no kind of plain sailing.

Then one day, out of the blue, the agency called me: “We have an au pair that we think might be of interest to you.  Can we send you the details.”

“Sure!”

The au pair looked very impressive with lots of experience caring for nephews and nieces (the sister’s children), good references (from the sister and others), good English, late 20s (which I thought to be a good thing) and so forth.

Oh, and one particularly interesting point, the au pair applicant was male!

Having gotten cranky about the double-standard of the placement of au pairs with single mothers, but not single fathers, I was now confronted by my own biases.

Would I accept a male au pair?  What if he was some kind of weirdo?  What male chooses to be an au pair?  Out came my biases!

Why do we fear men so much?  Yes, me included!

Well, from a psychological point of view, it has to do with something called the ‘availability bias’.  We can think of instances of men having been convicted for child abuse much more easily than women.

Is the fear justified?  Not really.  The media run stories that are interesting.  A mother neglecting a child is not nearly as interesting a story as a complete stranger abducting a child.

Couple of reality checks.  First, child abuse of any form is rare, very rare.  Second, the most likely offenders are people known to the child, particularly mothers as it happens but that may simply reflect the amount of time they spend with the children.

So the horror stories of children abducted by strangers and abused are far more memorable than the more numerous and less media-worthy cases of children neglected or abused by their own parents. 

Just like how we are far more fearful of a shark attack than we are of drowning even though the latter is statistically many times more probable than the former.

So, I am looking at a young German man’s application to be an au pair.

I took him on.  I overcame my gut reaction and realised it was the same one that leads to squirliness in our society about men around children in general.  The prejudices that lead to so many stories of men being challenged when looking for undies for their daughter, or watching their children / grand-children in parks, or sitting next to unaccompanied minors on airplanes, or looking for an au pair.

Our German au pair was a great success.  He was with us for one year.  My son thoroughly enjoyed the time the au pair spent with us.  And I really appreciated his help with my son and around the home.

Maybe this experience will help my son will grow up with different views (read: less biases) about men than our generation?  I hope so.

Come Fly the (Not So) Friendly Skies

Get this. Many airlines will not allow an unaccompanied minor to be seated next to a man, even if he is a father. Mirko Fischer was asked to change seats with his wife, who was pregnant and had asked for an aisle seat for more comfort. The problem? This left Mr Fischer seated next to an unaccompanied minor, which was a no, no according to company policy, so Ms Fischer had to switch to the middle seat before the plane could take off.

Mr Fischer sued on the basis of sex discrimination, and was awarded £2161 in court costs and £750 in damages. BA subsequently changed its seating policy. In turns out that Mr Fischer was not alone. Boris Johnson, the mayor of London, was also asked to switch seats on a BA flight, even though he was seated with his own children! One of his kids had to switch seats with him to occupy a seat next to an unaccompanied minor. Qantas and Air New Zealand have admitted to having similar policies in the past.

Now regardless of the assumptions and good intent on which this policy is, no doubt, based, it is patently absurd.  An airline flight is the last place a pervert would be able to molest a child.  In a plane? 10,000 meters above the earth?  Toilets the size of matchboxes, and uniformed flight attendants endlessly circulating about the cabin? So the policy is asinine on the face of it.  But the implication is obvious.  Men can’t be trusted.  Even a father of four young children is deemed, by his gender alone, to be more of a risk than a single, childless woman with a nose ring and a rather unusual teeth to tattoo ratio. He is a potential molester; she is not.