Just as women can bring their own feminine traits to the
workplace – with great success – so men can bring their own masculine style to
the domain of child-rearing.
When my son
was very young, just months old, I told his Mum I wanted to have one day alone
with him each week so that we would learn about on another.
She loved
the idea, and why not? Not only did Dad get involved with his own child, but it
gave Mum a day off.
However,
the theory sounded great, the wrinkles revealed themselves more in the
practice. The very first Saturday that was declared to be Dad-son time, she
hovered around in the background. Actually ‘hover’ makes it sound like she was
a humming bird – and at some levels, she was.
But at another level, she was more like a Momma-bear.
I felt
intimidated. The stereotype of intimidation generally runs in the other
direction, but in this instance, I definitely felt like I was being watched,
and judged – and perhaps found wanting. Even though I tend to work at home, and
so I was around much of the time with our young son even if she was the one
primarily pre-occupied with our first-born. Nonetheless, there was a sense that
on this first Dad-son day that this was not my domain.
To add to
that, Momma bear wasn’t far away as she was pottering around the house doing
other things in other rooms. This could at some level be reassuring, but at
another, it threatened to undermine the whole intention of the practice.
Whenever
our young son would squawk or wail or burp or grizzle, she would holler her
advice from somewhere within the house: “He wants a feed,” “He needs to be put
down,” “You need to change his nappy,” etc.
I quickly
saw that this was not what I had wanted and just as importantly, was probably
not going to work. So I suggested to his mother that for Dad-son day, either
Dad and son would leave the house together, or she could leave the house for
the day leaving us to work it out for ourselves.
It was hard
to establish a rapport with my young son with his Mum playing translator and
big boss ma’am. I was fortunate. His mum agreed to this and so I learned heaps
about my son from these regular intensive interactions, and maybe he learned
some from me too!
Yes, the
Mum may have a good deal of expertise in the care of the offspring. However,
just as Mum will probably acknowledge herself, all the advice in the world
(from her own mother, from her mother-in-law, from other helpful mothers) does
not replace the tried and true hands-on method. At some point, the parent – be
it Mum or Dad – has to work it for themselves.
Men – like
women – need to be supported in this. Parenting is a tough job, and as every
child is different, it is impossible to ‘parent by the book’. So it would be
great if the community, that is employers, neighbours, mums, all stepped up to
support Dad for what he is doing. When he gets involved with the kids at home,
he is doing everyone a favour.
Mum in
particular can help. It is true that ‘his’ way may not be ‘her’ way – just as
‘her’ way may not be the way of those faithful family members who tell her how
to do things. However, she can help by trusting that Dad will learn the same
way she did, by trial and error, hands-on practice.
