Dad: the male supermodel

Dad: a male supermodel

When we talk of models, many (okay, mostly men) will think about super-models.  

However, Mum and Dad are both models – and in terms of their degree of influence over their children, it might even be fair to describe them as ‘super-models’ for their kids.

One of the best predictors of how a child will turn out is to take a look at the Mum and Dad. 

Part of that prediction is based on genetics, but the other enormous part of that is based on environment. 

A child shares most of their time with their parents, especially in the formative first five to seven years. After this time, others such as teachers, peers and other social influences such as media and marketing begin to have some impact.

Take the examples of consumption, and especially sometimes socially undesirable products such as tobacco and alcohol. People are quick to blame marketing and media, but the biggest predictor of a child’s consumption of tobacco and alcohol is that of the parents. 

The influence of parents on tobacco and alcohol consumption is higher than peers, and higher than other influencers such as media and marketing. 

Those that take up smoking are much more likely than those that do not take it up to live in an environment where smoking is perceived positively and people around them smoke[i]. A child is about two times more likely to take up smoking if one or other parent smokes, almost three times more likely likely to take up smoking if both smoke.

Similar findings of the importance of parental and other family members alcohol consumption and history have been found to predict the age of uptake of alcohol and the likelihood of alcohol related problems[ii].

In short, parents are important models: "The importance of parents/caregivers as role models can never be over-estimated. They are the child's everything. And the older you get, the more you realise that it's not just your nose or eyebrows that mimic your parents, but also your behaviours."[iii]

Blaming media and marketing influences on children is easy, but more significantly, overlooks the profound influence of parents on their children.

Dads are particularly important for modelling manhood, to daughters and sons alike. She learns how to relate to good men, he learns how to be a good man.

Here’s a few of the particular ways in which Dads serve as models for their sons and their daughters[iv]:

   - Dads tend to offer more physical play than mothers, which increases the physical competency of their young children.

   - Fathers often think “out of the box” and offer alternative strategies for problem solving.

   - Fathers teach sex roles: they are generally more physically active with their sons and more protective of their daughters.

When fathers model behaviours that are respectful to women, their sons are more likely to see women as human beings rather than “things” to manipulate. When men do not father at all, well then things get very ugly. 

Abusive fathers raise abusive children, and absent fathers raise lost children.

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[i] J. Leonardi-Bee, M.L. Jere, J. Britton, (2011) “Exposure to parental and sibling smoking and the risk of smoking uptake in childhood and adolescence: a systematic review and meta-analysis.” Thorax, 66(10):847-55. doi: 10.1136/thx.2010.153379, http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21325144, accessed 3may2013

D.B. Buller,  R. Borland, W.G. Woodall, J.R. Hall, P. Burris-Woodall, J.H. Voeks, (2003) “Understanding factors that affect tobacco uptake” Tobacco Control, Supp 4, IV:16-25, http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14645936, accessed 3may2013

[ii] L.B. Fisher, I.W. Miles, S.B. Austin, C.A. Camargo, G.A. Colditz (2007), Predictors of initiation of alcohol use among US adolescents: findings from a prospective cohort study.” Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine;161(10):959-66.

V. Johnson, L.A. Warner, H.R. White, (2007) “Alcohol initiation experiences and family history of alcoholism as predictors of problem-drinking trajectories” Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs,68, 1(Jan) 56-65.

[iii] Andrew Whitehouse (2013) “Swearing at kids in supermarkets,” The Conversation, April 2, https://theconversation.com/swearing-at-kids-in-supermarkets-13166

[iv] Ladd, Linda D. (2000) “Fathers are Important—For Real!” Texas Cooperative Extension, http://eclkc.ohs.acf.hhs.gov/hslc/tta-system/family/Family%20and%20Community%20Partnerships/New%20Parental%20Involvement/Fatherhood/FathersareImpor.htm

Doing it Daddy’s Way

Just as women can bring their own feminine traits to the workplace – with great success – so men can bring their own masculine style to the domain of child-rearing.

When my son was very young, just months old, I told his Mum I wanted to have one day alone with him each week so that we would learn about on another.

She loved the idea, and why not? Not only did Dad get involved with his own child, but it gave Mum a day off.

However, the theory sounded great, the wrinkles revealed themselves more in the practice. The very first Saturday that was declared to be Dad-son time, she hovered around in the background. Actually ‘hover’ makes it sound like she was a humming bird – and at some levels, she was.  But at another level, she was more like a Momma-bear.

I felt intimidated. The stereotype of intimidation generally runs in the other direction, but in this instance, I definitely felt like I was being watched, and judged – and perhaps found wanting. Even though I tend to work at home, and so I was around much of the time with our young son even if she was the one primarily pre-occupied with our first-born. Nonetheless, there was a sense that on this first Dad-son day that this was not my domain.

To add to that, Momma bear wasn’t far away as she was pottering around the house doing other things in other rooms. This could at some level be reassuring, but at another, it threatened to undermine the whole intention of the practice.

Whenever our young son would squawk or wail or burp or grizzle, she would holler her advice from somewhere within the house: “He wants a feed,” “He needs to be put down,” “You need to change his nappy,” etc.

I quickly saw that this was not what I had wanted and just as importantly, was probably not going to work. So I suggested to his mother that for Dad-son day, either Dad and son would leave the house together, or she could leave the house for the day leaving us to work it out for ourselves.

It was hard to establish a rapport with my young son with his Mum playing translator and big boss ma’am. I was fortunate. His mum agreed to this and so I learned heaps about my son from these regular intensive interactions, and maybe he learned some from me too!

Yes, the Mum may have a good deal of expertise in the care of the offspring. However, just as Mum will probably acknowledge herself, all the advice in the world (from her own mother, from her mother-in-law, from other helpful mothers) does not replace the tried and true hands-on method. At some point, the parent – be it Mum or Dad – has to work it for themselves.

Men – like women – need to be supported in this. Parenting is a tough job, and as every child is different, it is impossible to ‘parent by the book’. So it would be great if the community, that is employers, neighbours, mums, all stepped up to support Dad for what he is doing. When he gets involved with the kids at home, he is doing everyone a favour.

Mum in particular can help. It is true that ‘his’ way may not be ‘her’ way – just as ‘her’ way may not be the way of those faithful family members who tell her how to do things. However, she can help by trusting that Dad will learn the same way she did, by trial and error, hands-on practice.

(For more thoughts along the different and important ways in which fathers offer care, see Richard Fletcher's book The Dad Factor and see Bettina Arndt and some of the damage done when Dad is absent)